So you’re in the middle of a heat wave. I’d say I feel sorry for you, but remember that one day in December where it was really cold (or even just a tad chilly) and you said ‘God, I miss the heat’ (or something to that effect)? Well, congratulations, here you go. I hope you’re happy with yourself and what you’ve brought upon all of us. I’m not completely heartless, though, so here are some tips that will help you get through what undoubtedly feels like life inside Satan’s armpit.
- Always have water. Make sure you’re always, always, always drinking water. I stress that last word because some people think that going through three cans of Coke is an equally effective way to stay hydrated. (It’s not.)
- Invest in watermelons. If there were to ever be a watermelon shortage, now would be it. Buy all the fresh and juicy watermelons before anyone else. Maybe resell them for twice their usual price, and put that money towards a powerful AC.
- Look at old heating bills. Remember last winter when you were wearing five sweaters, thermal underwear and three layers of socks, wrapping yourself under the duvet, and refused to turn on the heating until you absolutely needed to? Look at those bills and remind yourself of the time you would have been thrilled at having free heat.
- Go freezer shopping. Who cares if you don’t have the space? Go to your nearest electronics store and ask for their most powerful selection of freezers, even though unfortunately you’ll have to ‘think about it’ after you’ve fully tested—ahem, stood in front of—each one.
- Don’t host a BBQ. I get that you want to bust out that brand-new grill that was a major steal during Christmas, but it’s probably not the best idea to stand in front of a giant piece of metal that will literally be on fire. People might politely ask if you ‘need help,’ but really they’ll be drinking ice-cold beers while you bathe in your own sweat.
- Watch just The Wall scenes in Game of Thrones. Not only will you trick your mind into feeling colder after seeing all that snow, but you also get to look at Jon Win-win.
- Get takeout. Cooking involves additional heat. Take this as an excuse to order as much sushi as you want.
- Give up exercise. Stop torturing yourself. No, don’t even swim (children in pools, after all).
- Join a cult that has air-conditioned headquarters. Pledging the rest of your life away is nothing compared to round-the-clock AC.
- Give up sex. No one wants to have sex in this weather, and even if you did, one look at your partner’s sweaty armpits will be an instant turnoff. Find a new hobby until the weather cools down.
- Hate the world. Look, there’s no way around it. Just go with it and hate everything. Everyone else will be doing the same. Embrace the sticky, sweltering, hate-filled circle of life.
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